Right Now … (re-blogged)

Originally Published 07-13-22

Right now things are uncomfortable, things are time consuming, things are difficult, and everyone is trying to put together a picture of what is occurring and why, as well as hear from others to determine how things are happening and why, this is why we have the news, to hear testimony and opinions from selected speakers, things are starting to evolve we hope in the right direction for those affected, achieve more peace, and less disagreement over circumstances rising to the level of a threat posed to innocent people like the insurrection being discussed on CSPAN. When you think “insurrection” you think intrusion, you think a building of a matter of chaos or strength that will then be taken out toward another body in an attempt to break the stability or the core of what values are held within, this is anarchy, with no direction, and no rules, not following laws, feelings, or what people think, it only cares for itself and the point that it is trying to make, building a community amongst themselves, without regard for the communities at stake, dependent on the matter composed of voted for officials who were selected to represent them. Blogging is much different than a house of leaders, its you as an individual building something for others to read or view, and I wouldn’t call any breach of privacy an insurrection as there are no laws being made governing any people, its your own thoughts and their development over time whether in conversation or personal drafts to yourself. Keeping track of who is watching you is not as important as keeping track of your own work, when there is “prying” or “privacy” issues all that means is that everything you say will be duplicated and interpreted either to help or harm you so to be careful of what you have to say and understand how that affects you and others, not to talk about others in private conversations or out loud online, this is in anticipation should you be in harms way, that’s when no one wants you to mention them and feel threatened by your lifestyle of how you lead your life, which is not dangerous until they try to associate your life to the exposures of others claim that exposure to you causes others to act or behave in a criminal way, and that’s insulting to be associated to a special family, to go through mental health issues, and that because I am independent and alone and up tight, to be judged differently for being serious, I think its okay to be that way, and its also okay to lighten up and be loving again, well deserve that much in life, no questions asked. I think an outing is when someone says something that is not true then tries to gather evidence to confirm that something that is not true is true about you, to confirm or benefit their feelings about you and reservations which could be anything about you that they do not approve of to justify why others should not read your blog, or to condemn you as not real and claim that who is reading your blog is not well or criminal, and that’s not my audience, and that’s not who contacts me, its real people, who are getting frauded by people pretending to be me, and me being harmed by people who think that I am not an original composition online, and treat me as an after effect of someone elses demonstrations in the public realm, a follower, not a creator of a personalized interest in life, separate on my own. When people try to get to the core of you or your issues that’s because they think that there is something wrong with you that’s not an “insurrection” that just means that people don’t trust you and don’t think that you represent yourself or others well enough to be capable of doing good things in life and to be apart of good things happening in life, which is why they try to associate you to bad people or bad happenings in life, because they think that there is something about you off, not beautiful on the inside. The mystery is in how things bad can happen and for no one to be affected or why when bad things happen people become affected and for what reasons, that will always be different from time to time, and just as I do not wish to be judged for bad things happening blamed, I also don’t go around blaming inner circles and choices and decisions made by others as being responsible for bad things happening. The core of the dilemma faced by others is how far back to take things in terms of influence and demeanaor and what is a consequence of what. Smart is a consequence of studying. Beauty is a consequence of exercise and taking good care of yourself. Love is a consequence of being beautiful and feeling good about yourself. Conflict is a consequence of unhappiness or rejection. Mental health is a consequence of not dealing with your problems and having them pile up. Negative opinion is a consequence of not being confident and for people to think that youre hiding something or don’t feel good about yourself. Obesity is a consequence of medication and genetic makeup, to not be able to lose weight. Sexuality is a consequence of what and who you choose to like, and accommodate the feelings of those you choose to like. Being normal is a consequence of feeling good about yourself. And not being normal is a consequence of feeling lost and not knowing how to think or how to be in life in order to make things go right for you in life and feel good again. In summary those are my experiences with being thought of as bad, having to prove that Im not bad, having to show up and be around people to assess whether there is anything wrong with me, and to be liked and selected from others for job opportunities. That to me is being normal. What is not normal are the timelines misconstrued to condemn or credit people as being of influence when and why and when they mattered as compared to moments when they did not matter and to what affect that had on others success in life when a person is not doing well. Not one person is known well enough in life to inspire hate toward and motivation to destroy who they do not think deserves to be credited for their own wellness, and I would like to think that others in competition for their own resources in life are not so motivated to hurt or injure me as though my happiness is standing in the way of theirs and their power to be loved or trusted, which is what I think lawsuits are about, who is doing well and the decider of things to be going right and who is to be worked on and should not be a decider of the interests of others to care, be left alone with fewer resources and selections in life. Lawsuit only limits your choices in life, and affects who you are as a person, it limits your ability to feel free from harm, and to move in the world free of harm, its taint on your identity that makes people think that you have F up or have done wrong in life or are being punished for something else in life that they think is your fault so you are punished for something else, which is what some people think punishment is for. So that stated I have been through a lot, so no one will understand or comprehend what I went through because no one else was punished or suffered mental illness from drinking, drug use, or dating, only I get sick and mentally ill from dating drinking and drugs. So that’s my body in terms of handling substances, I don’t handle substances well. And the meds you are prescribed to reverse the effects of all that disability takes awhile to get used to. Where there is order in disorder is when you are doing everything right that doesn’t mean that things will go right is the lesson with work and getting job why is she doing well and her cares are not doing well, that’s a good question, and why on the other hand should I suffer for anyone to make more sense of their cares try ot blame me as though there is something wrong with my cares in life or what I have to say online or elsewhere, who is that influencing, and why are someones cares being viewed as mental illness, you wont know what causes you to complain in life until you don’t feel well and that normal to backtrack and to figure out why you don’t feel well, and that takes time. No one can help me with my problems, I can only help myself, the topics I address and serious, the people I know are real people and fragile to circumstances, and the life that I had was normal and loving and quiet, so this other life of being known, is more about me trying to find myself in the world without involving other people, and talking to people who maintain a public identity what it is like to be known or talked about or watched or to have people bonding over knowing you but then don’t talk to you in life, or speak poorly of you on the basis of what they think is difficult for them to accept you, and not comprehend everything that you have bene doing for the past 10 years to build trust and to begin living again, without feeling alone in life, that’s the sense of community that I built by talking to others on messenger, and that’s not an “insurrection.” Nothing was built in private that was not built online and during COVID successful and helping others to get through their day, and my health was as consistent as the COVID numbers in California were, and when I was struggling and the COVID numbers were increasing, I decided to stop blogging everyday because that was recommended to me, and then the COVID numbers went down, and was able to blog again eventually a year later, finished my Dissertation and focused on school. I have been as far down in life as life will take you and that’s for talking to the wrong people, drinking alone, and because I was tired or have mental health issues visible upon looking at me, that I was not allowed to drive home and stopped and that’s how my life was ruined, meanwhile everyone drinks wine at dinner and drives home, it makes no sense to me why I was stopped for 2 drinks. That’s not justified, by anything, and that is why I was not sent to jail and did not do any time, because I was not guilty. And will be getting expunged. So that’s how you get treated in life afterward poorly like you brought yourself to mental illness so that no one will care about you or because no one cared about you you were brought to mental illness, is what mental illness represents that you don’t make sense, you sound weird, you look weird, and no one wants to talk to you, because everyones head hurts including mine, in the reverse hearing form anyone who thinks that they are smarter than me, and thinks that their clarity in life, is above my own. 

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