If you don’t know yourself by now, then there is no love that can remind you of all that you are and could be in life. Im lucky enough to have been given a second chance in life at love by good men I have met in my 30s, while abstaining from dating, and my first public boyfriend, who is back in my life, and with passion! I wasn’t expecting that much from anyone, that feels good for a change, to be loved, what an adult life it is to be loved, someone you get to be bad or naughty with, its been many years, I guess you have to have the stamina and emotional intelligence to be with people in that way. For someone who doesn’t go out and stays away from people, that’s asking for a lot in life, not something I was ever going for and not even modeling, that was just learning self-confidence and see what I look like in pictures, it has been years since I took a good picture, not since college. 

Whats hard to understand are the mental health issues and “schizophrenia.” I was proud of myself I was Sydney Simpson’s best friend, and captain of the soccer and volleyball teams, everyone at my house on the weekends, friends would sleepover at my house, and Sydney would stay with me in the Summers when she moved to Florida, we were close like sisters, I never thought that things would change, but that’s mental health issues, and what happens upon speaking to the public, its not for everyone, especially those who value their privacy. 

I grew up on every family vacation with The Simpsons, beginning in Cabo, where her mother taught me prayer at bed time, we all prayed and Justin prayed for his Ninja Turtles. We were late a day, we needed a letter from her Father to take the kids out of the Country and good thing because I forgot my kitty! My stuffed animal from Fao Schwartz I could not sleep without. I used to shout “where is my kitty!” and they would hide my kitty from me in New Jersey we would visit in the Summer, my cousins. I remember standing on a green government box in New Jersey with my cousin, and we would chant back and forth “we’re in the garden, we’re in the garden” I think it was from a movie back then. I went to public school with her one day and sat behind one of her classmates, his name was Mufasa. 

I once said Im not a role model online, I forget where I said that, although the majority of my life was not with mental health issues, told “could you be any more perfect” by someone I dated in Colorado, who owns a “Grassroots” hat company that donates. Successful. A photo lost on his Facebook is a picture of me looking down holding a hat at the Chateau Marmont.

Life is special until it gets ruined, so hold your chin up, no matter who you are or where you come from, life gets thrown at you differently as an adult, people don’t know who you are, they do or don’t recognize that you are well and respect you, and mostly into themselves at the end of the day, trying to lift their chins up to, so work for it like you have to lift your chin and theirs. 

Meeting #toddspitzer is not a far cry from the type of people I grew up around, public figures, so it seemed like it mattered in a good way, the idea that could splinter from us meeting eachother, I never expected for him to go through the issues he has encountered as a public figure, but was never that taken aback by it, for some reason I am someone who is easily accepted by others, taken under wings, not shunned, so that’s a good quality about me, maybe it’s the expectation of me being 100% well that’s disappointing, that’s mental health issues. 

#nicolebrownsimpson (RIP)

I think everyone is entitled to sharing their story, and it’s not because of The Kardashians that Im sharing my story it’s because Glamour Magazine used to contact us when we were in college and wanted to write a story about our friendship and even offered to feature me alone once, it’s been awhile since Ive been in contact with them. I was raised to be proud of who I was, I was never anyone who was ignored or who had social problems or upsets, always popular, never got in trouble in school or flag lined, or detention, I was a good student a good person, so it was shocking to me, to enter the world and have things be about making fun of people, and hopefully not considered one of them despecialized, no matter how well anyone knows you, not everyone loves you until you are professionally known to others, and it’s said to you by others, otherwise youre left in this zone of discomfort not knowing where you are headed or where you belong, too big for jobs, or too small for jobs, and too strong for meetings, and too strong to date, and if its about people feeling small to you, that means youre a professional. Just not sure which type of professional I am yet, working on my job title still, a blogger for now.