Had a rough few weeks with mental illness, but feeling like myself again, was day to day for awhile and sounded really depressed, just read my posts from yesterday and that’s sad to hear what I sound like when Im not feeling well, it’s actually hard to read, so if that’s ever the case, can just skip or scan read, no big deal, that usually doesn’t happen to me. For some reason, due to all the ugrades in Instagram layouts etcs, I realize that my feed is not updated, so will use the apps to create posts from now on, so that it accommodates the interest in keeping things light, and being goal oriented toward appearing as a project and with a clear purpose, and or directions or pointers on how to be comfortable with your thoughts and not second guess yourself, or become overly reliant on others, just to feel good, be independent again, like me.

Regarding love, it took me many years to start dating again, I stopped 2014 after a brush with carcinoma cancer, and just wanted to take care of my health and got into running and ran a half marathon, it was a good day to day goal running, as a reward weight loss occurred, but it was mostly for the mental health benefits and feeling good about myself, strong, not for modeling either, I think I only took like 5 pictures when I was 130 lbs, and barely looked in the mirror, that phase of life had not started yet, thank god, I even cancelled my cable tv, really quiet life.

Then I got into book reading, and started working again by 2018, there had been two fires by then, by my house, and one during work at my job in film, and a school shooting. There’s nothing that can explain from a military perspective what the countdown is to devastation or a wildfire, or even what it was like for me, or what my choices were at the time. We received a message to evacuate, but stayed home anyways, my Dad got us rooms at the Riviera.

After being punished, you can’t really do much, I moved home, I had to sell my car and was without a car for awhile, and walked everywhere, and stayed home, and was not allowed to run at night, life was really slow. So being home, creating a job for myself or continuing to over the years was the only thing I could think to do with my time, with disability and or not ready to go back to work, my first experience going back to work, was at a paid job in Insurance, on Melrose, a really nice place to work and a place where I could grow marketing and helping agents, and study Farmers Insurance has an entire school of modules you can learn at your own pace, that was a pretty cool program to see. I used to go to two meetings a day after getting in trouble, to get back on my feet, after being hospitalized for 14 days and after attending IOP, that was my first experience being sued, and my first experience liking someone who did not like me back, and talking to someone without replies. It’s taken me awhile to figure out whats so disappointing about me, in my first job 2017 I was on Provigil off day meds (Vyvanse and Adderrall) for a couple years, and eventually went back on Vyvanse and Adderrall by my second job in recovery 2018, my Boss wanted me to take Adderrall and would help to monitor my progress and pushed me eventually to work full time, thought I was better at work, than staying home in my room all day or only working part-time, it was a good experience. Learning to work through sickness, and to be on time to keep a job, and to be promoted, and work my way toward more responsibility. I was falling asleep on my way to work, the drive up and fell asleep when I sat down at my computer, that must be burn-out, Ive since stopped taking ambien, I was on ambien and Seroquel and Adderrall. With mental health issues a lot can go wrong for you at work, when you start not feeling well, it affects your communication skills, and you don’t feel able to work. So its not about the job or location, it’s a physical inability to work, for no outside reasons, or political or personal reasons, or age or genders around me. That was also my first realization that I was in my 30s and an intern and was too old by now to grow anywhere or meet any people or be set up or date anyone through work, and Im sure the lucky ones got matched. -I had one pen pal a Trump account, that I was told to discontinue at work. It wasn’t anything provocative or serious, probably just considered unnecessary to other, talk to a stranger. I didn’t really find much luck elsewhere connecting with people, I was more comfortable talking about nothing with someone harmless, then talking to anyone younger than me, didn’t really make sense either, was uncomfortable, and our desks faced eachother. My only other encounter with someone younger than me was at my meeting 2017, someone I met in the hospital 2014, who was now in recovery from alcohol, we didn’t really talk in the hospital I was in my room the whole time sleeping never in the common area, but could hear him playing the piano, he’s a brilliant pianist, and a good sponsor, it was group sponsorship, at the time I was just setting goals and speaking simple at meetings, I didn’t really have much to say, and was not very confident and really in my shell and trying hard to get my life back to normal. Again with mental health issues, it’s something that others notice about you looking at you, but you can’t tell that if you’re not well that that bothers other people looking at you, and is something that you can be punished for, when people think there’s something wrong with you, its something that an entire roomful of people will confront you about, ask you to go to the hospital. I was only on Provigil, and was asked on a few dates, by my then Sponsor who was younger than me, a Graduate Student, I was 31 years old. I discontinued talking to him after I was sent to the hospital for not sleeping at night, or being in my car idle by my running path, that was upsetting to be arrested and pulled over taken to the hospital again after getting home from the hospital and treated as mentally ill. It takes me a long time to move and get things done, so it was common for me to feel stalled before taking a run, or sit in my car all night just to get some fresh air and be out of the house, somewhere else, be alone. Seems like public humiliation is the standard of care, when you don’t appear well or look sick to others.

So after being hospitalized, I discontinued going to the meeting, it was unusual amount of attendance for me, Im not a people person, used to work at night, and rest in the daytime, I preferred to not be around the hustle and bustle of being around people for some reason, traffic, and the Abilify I was on, I would overheat if I ran in the daytime, it makes you feel lethargic and have trouble moving, so that’s why I would run at night. Just a weird schedule.

So in regards to my love life, it’s non-existent since getting in trouble, it’s kind of hard to date when you don’t feel good about yourself, and if you look stupid, no one can really repair your confidence in life, and its hard to reach out to people, the time will never be right, and if it doesn’t work out the first time, it can get ruined again by the next opportunity, so that’s voices, occurring if you don’t appear well or if people think you’re sick, its delusion of hearing people upset by you or thinking that you are a walking hazard to see, not really, I looked ugly in pictures only 2017 after discontinuing meeting attendance and the hospital sent to in Chino, I requested for smoking, there is no smoking at UCLA. At the hospital, they take you off all meds, and its hard to move, hard to think, you have no energy, and stay in bed all day, Im not social.

By 2022 is when Men started coming around to me in my life, texting me, and trying to reach out to me, without me texting them or bothering them, and I’m in a different place in life now, things can still get difficult but I’m better at getting through it and talking to everyone, sometimes things can be overwhelming but I think I’m a pretty good judge of what to do or not to do in the event of any type of questioning or mental disturbance, and don’t really make the effort to be around people in life, just because if I’m in question, there’s no reason to show my face on zoom and get too close to anyone else in recovery, that’s doesn’t make sense, they have their own issues and problems, so was just waiting to get to a more stable place in life. I’m usually nowhere to meet people match up or date, that’s not my issue I match, the issue is what I look like my clothes and my face, which has taken years to fix and can get ruined again, now especially with voices, is not consistent and that can be bothersome, but not a big deal.

It will take me another year to determine my future and career path, this year made a lot of improvements, finally worked again, and this next year 2023 try to work for an entire year consistently, and then revisit what my future looks like, marriage or no marriage, hopefully make some progress in a career im interested in and make money to pay for publishing a book one day, and slowly will appear more professional, and have solution and be an example of someone who has created for solution through learning through my own progress what works.

It would be nice to marry and be well enough to have a baby, but if I continue to have problems with depression or self-harm then clearly I cannot get married or have a baby, so I’m hoping for more progress this year. You have to be stable mentally and able to handle pressure in life my gynecologist told me in order to have a baby, and said that this year was the best I have looked in all the years she has known me which is a compliment. In terms of Todd, it’s an imagined interaction that’s working for me, I obviously care and know that anything I say or any post I make is connected to him, so not connect him to anything that would make him look bad. I was just sharing how I improved and what I went through in a not complicated way, shared my experiences in life. My goals right now are to stay well day to day, and will be starting work on a consistent basis, maybe 1-2 hours per job, and take on 3 jobs in life, and blog, that’s how strict of a schedule I will be on this year, and I think I have the energy for it, I don’t think I want to waste any more years of my life in therapy talking about myself like there is something wrong with me, or be made to not feel good about myself, or be made to talk about others, I don’t really appreciate that process of being sized up in life or sided with, is totally unnecessary to me, I would rather write and talk about what I do know what I know that works, rather than waste time in bits and pieces talk about feelings or things I’m not sure about or are wrong. I have more right thoughts than any wrong thoughts, and that’s confidence, a CBT app works. And so do classes on Udemy, that’s helped just to hear someone else talk, not just come from me, I think as a reader you forget that I’m writing and not reading others, so its coming from me. I took a break from messenger, I haven’t really been in a place for talking about anything, I don’t have anything going on in my life to talk about just yet, working on starting new things in life, hence the pressure, I didn’t expect depression or voices, so do my best to continue to stay on schedule. I go to about 5-7 meetings a month, I listen to Udemy, I blog at least 5-7 times a week, and I write word documents to myself and emails to myself to get through problems, and that’s how I manage voices and what things could be about, for everything else life is open, it can be anything can be any solution to any problem, life is open, its about what you create.

So finding love and an imaginary friend in Todd has been a joyous once in a lifetime experience of being myself open, which has not occurred in my entire career as a pen pal, not to this extent motivated or out of a tough bind in life of not feeling good I was 195 lbs, so just be patient where ever you are, I have been lost and lonely and crying and depressed or hearing voices, or self-harming, or smoking too much, or not appearing well, to not wish for anyone else to have to go through that in life, no matter who they date or what meeting they go to, or who they know, or what they look like, or where they have been, or what their story is in life, we all have a story and we all have our lives to live, not one life has answers to any story or scenario or can explain for any chain of events or odds for them occurring, that’s life, life happens based on what you put into the day, and based on how you feel, and at times you may feel like other people are affecting you hurting you, but if you do what is right and improve, you will notice the change, people being nice to you, easy conversations, better social skills, more eye contact, able to have conversations, not sleeping all day, not sad or crying, not to yourself, able to work again, able to be loving again without sex is important before having sex and being loving, if you cant be yourself and going through a tough time, sex usually cant help, it becomes another commitment in life and then makes you reliable for the health of a man, and you’re own, so unless you are willing to take good care of yourself and another human being a man, then its probably not a good idea to date, also important is how you talk, so with problems makes it impossible to date, and complaining doesn’t make any relationship work, its by what you have to say that conversations get better and love becomes an opportunity later down the road.