This has been a tough year for me, a lot of reunions with exes, and people coming back into my life, but still a long way to go, in terms of being comfortable with myself. I think publishing two books will prove to myself that I can earn a wage for my writing, and be proud of myself, and independently financially. All the things you hope to become as as adult. I think I have been severly delayed by medications, not enough, or too much, or taken off meds, and I cant afford to live disabled, I have to begin living life again, and this year was my first try at working again, and its still an uphill battle. In the meantime Im blogging full-time, studying, coming up with a schedule, learning the tech parts for wordpress, and getting organized finally now that I have reached some comfort in stats, participation, following, and comments, which takes a few years to establish yourself as a blogger online. I don’t know what to really say about recent death, I would assume its hard for all those who know who has passed, and it doesn’t get easier the more you think about how and why and the causes, every life is different, and every life, comes to terms with truth and reality differently, meeting me doesn’t expose anyone to any unordinary truth or common understanding of life, that would disrupt anyones understanding of life or the beliefs they hold. I am aware of how mean and judgmental people are, I wouldn’t be writing if I was shocked to find those kinds of people in my audience, I don’t think Im anyone who imagines my audience to be a specific class of individuals close or part of a common thread of understanding, or has to go by terms or sentences or posts by me to calculate everything else for themselves in life. When people are hinging on your every word, and read everything you say and react, that just means that you are being judged and the basis for being judged is what if known public would make people judge you too, and that makes people care less for you, when you live a life, that they don’t like, or don’t like the people in it, then justify hurting you as though you live a less life, or injure you as though you live an extreme life.

It may be too late for me to live a simple life, but Im comfortable to talk about challenging subjects like death, suicide, self-harm, voices, celebrity deaths, of course that matters to me, it wouldn’t be right for me to be on imdb if you were accusing me of being a common thread or body or human mind that is connected to people in common you think are reacting or behaving at a different temperment that you think is inaccurate in life, or doesn’t offset pain or suffering to anyone who is hurting by any diagnosis and has not been seen and treated. There can be many reasons why people fall sick, and I don’t think that me later getting sick, over a separate issue lawsuit an order that was rejected by the judge, makes a difference to talk about. Obviously being worse of or accumulating experiences or recordings people are going by to determine what my reality is like or as a person in reality what is going on around my head, or what my aura, or energy is like, or face, to determine my future or what is happening around me.

I think if you are ever confused about how someone is doing, you can text them, you can email them, you can message them, since I don’t get any messages or emails. Im assuming everyone is fine, and since I cant block people, I will never understand by Im rejected and then people continue to be in my life and read my blog. I wont know what that satisfaction feels like in life, to just watch and read, and not care about a person, or not like them, I will always wonder whats it to people to read and not like a person, by whatever standards race, religion, body type, face type, intelligence, schooling, sexuality, whatever the basis is there is nothing I can do about it. If its simply doesn’t feel good to you, not a match, at what point do things not need to feel instantly good for you to be able to view your own future without needing the support of another human being in order to help make those things happen for you in life.

There are benefits to being alone, “One of the greatest benefits of spending time alone is how it helps you develop a better understanding of who you are. The more you know and understand yourself the more likely you are to do things that you love, learn things that interest you and spend time with people who make you feel good.” [1] According to the Jed Foundation.

Being alone has allowed me to work on myself without bothering others. Its been a way to focus on my day to day struggles with energy and being active, running, or writing, or trying to work again, its hard to get going, when you are limited in your capacity to do much, so it takes awhile to figure out what you enjoy doing in life, and to go out there and do it like, blogging.

No expects to go through a hard time in life, and Im sure most people didn’t keep pictures to track their progress, which was probably my mistake, what a bad day then looked like, and what I could not correct about myself, you know, but that was me, and I was on meds, and I really didn’t have a life after punishment, and I really didn’t feel like doing anything, and felt really alone, and really depressed, and gained weight, days were slow, and life was hard. You never know how that happens to you in life, but its not a fun feeling, later in life as you become a more responsible adult, you will steadily be concerned about what other people think of you, and the more aware you are of that, the better you fair moving forward, living life as though people are watching you. And life gets better when you care about what you look like, and life will get better the more you care about what you look like, I mean everyone looks better by now. That was an odd phase of everyone looking sloppy, I think we all improved a lot anyways.

Reference:

[1] https://jedfoundation.org/set-to-go/the-benefits-of-being-alone/