Before you became a self-obsessed nut about life, assembling all that you can say, between now and when you began to be invested in the successful turn around we have all witnessed time and time again, there was a person, who was merely a fly on the wall, taking notes, and figuring out what to do with yourself, let alone others. Remember the old you, eager to learn, not yet caught up in the politics and particulars of how things should sound, or who should be saying what. There was a time, when things were more orderly, but thanks to social media and the internet, we have people wearing more than one cap, when it comes to their role and function online, and I may be one of them, someone who is present and usually online, and sometimes expected to say more. Remember when you could say less, when you were your quiet self, observing, and wondering about life, zoning out, and going with the flow. Its times like these that we freeze at the thought of being gathered, and being told what to do, or shown a way out, it seems like everyone has their own escape route from chaos at this point in time, with the benefits of meditation and all the mindfulness practice we have been acquiring since our crises began. So don’t listen, take breaks, choose wisdom over dilemma, choose clarity over details, search fearlessly for the biggest picture you can think of to make sense of your right now. There is no compartment too bold at this moment in time, it seems like life has a way of finding itself compartmentalized by all the fun facts we already know, and seemingly still try to make use of old thoughts while trying to assemble news ones, and that’s okay too. I’m in the middle of setting aside a few stories of my own, in place of sharing words that will create more insight than havoc.

Today, was especially a low day. Im not sure if I have shared publicly of a new heart condition that Im coping with, why Im being put on fewer meds, and was taken off adderrall, I’ve been doing good so far in terms of depression, not drinking too much coffee, 1 cup or none, and doing well at the treadmill right now, and started doing weights, to fix my upper body. Just feeling under the weather with the flu over the weekend, and getting over a cough which Im sure is from the vape I bought while in treatment, it doesn’t suit my lungs. So just in a pain, Im sure is a culmination of the trauma of being hospitalized and in treatment since 10/02/23, but things should be getting better not harder, but now is when you have to talk about your medical history and get into details about what brought you in before compared to this time around, and what you plan to accomplish in treatments, so that I don’t end up in the hospital again. I wouldn’t say that I was suicidal, and I wasn’t self-harming, I was having difficulty just functioning in life, and making the move to go back to work, battling with voices, which Im sure turned up in a few highly embarrassing posts argumentative and saying terms that literally rip me apart on the insides just to hear over and over again. I just want to move forward, I have so much going on, so much going well, and I know that everyone has so much going on, and so much was going well, and Im sure we are all in the same boat, of wanting things to get better, and to start feeling better, same here, and hope the same for you.

So right now Im working on getting back to the old me, I have one more month of treatment (group therapy) to sort out my mental health with regards to career, self-harm, drinking alcohol, adderrall, and get strong to plan out the rest of my future, so its been a close call this time going into treatment, found out a lot of issues I was having on the meds I was taking, now that Im seeing an internist, so it’s a blessing in disguise to be going through this right now. Without getting caught up in old posts, I would like to move forward, and maybe at a later time when Im more stable can write about creating campaigns and launching blogs, during crises, but right now I just want to focus on my health and getting well, I don’t have the stamina for fighting daily, or while keeping up with argument surrounding what I have to say about how I have managed during crises, and from my perspective how things were, without getting traumatized, fighting about things now, or feel like Im someone speaking from a State who did not experience these things previously, to comment and to be there for other States, while going through trauma and managing what is going wrong for them. I think Ive always been there for others, and will continue to be there for others, right now focused on my health. So thank you for not rushing me to speak constantly as to voices, self-harm, and suicide. Im doing my best given the seriousness of the treatments Ive been sent to, to just get back to normal and to fix my writing, without getting depressed over where I am or why Im there. It would be nice to get well, and also not look bad, to come across as a weak person, simply because Im being made to go to PHP for a month.