Where Do You See Yourself …

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If you ever feel lost in life, figure out where you want to be in life and what you want to have in life, that will get you started on the first step toward moving forward in life, visualizing yourself actually doing the work that you need to do to get to where you want to be in life, absent minded all criticism past, that’s not your ticket to freedom or free thinking for that matter. There will always be different time period, different centuries, different histories, and different companies, everyone has their own life philosophy, and that’s not something you can change about anothers perspective with or without incorporating your wellness into any equation for projected success in life, that’s not the way to look at things, and success is also not measured by how many people want to do business with you or would be willing to pay you either for your work, that will not change your life for you, nothing gets handed to you in life. Once you realize that hopefully its not too late, and that you haven’t experienced too much loss, whether that be jobs, people, degrees, outlook, attitude, spontaneity, living for the moment, eventually you have to set your time clock, going to be 40 in 5 years, what am I going to do with my life, so that by the time Im 40 Im not in the same place I am right now, that would be a very depressing nightmare, to not have anything going for you in life, and that’s not the person I want to be become in life, alone, Ive been alone since living alone 2004. Eventually you pray for being allowed time to be social, maybe not drink or relapse, but be able to be social, and have things to talk about that make you proud of yourself, and also someone easy to hear from, input appreciated. What does someone successful look like, well first their not scatter brained, theyre not hearing voices, theyre not vain, theyre not looking around themselves paranoid, theyre not out and about all over the place, they don’t know everyone, and no one knows them that well either. It seems those who are successful have friends, don’t need friends, have clients, are not ambulance chasing looking for clients, and they make money, they actually have people paying them sending them checks, and write paychecks for people, and have multiple accounts and probably more than one credit card, I don’t really think Im going to be any one of those types of people in life, so getting settled on a career blogging, seems like the best first step in the right direction, absent minded all the politics concerning whos above who, whos feeding off of who, who has good intuition, who is doing well, who is not doing well, who knows who, and what to make things about to have closure, and sometimes that means excluding you from the pack. I think from an outsiders perspective I don’t make sense, and maybe its an interesting complex for another to witness, someone who writes well, hears voices, has a history of self-harm and hospitalizations, gets frustrated with self and made to argue with voices that don’t exist in her reality, to make a comment or a joke about an understanding of life shared by another and not me, I think all women are different, and not all women are made to feel sick like I have endured simply because of what Im made to think about what is bothering me, what I want to know more about, or what is not clear to me, those moments when you are not clear, occur upon connecting and that’s how you lose your focus, that’s not just anyone helping you, that’s you not seeing the big picture and it being fed to you in some other form or way to see whether you are ever insulted or made aggravated by anything time and money has been invested in and well liked by most, that’s never about people in real life, its always about, what everyone can relate to, and that’s probably why most people are either characters from the show Entourage or movie: Clueless, I think those two ways of being cool have been expressed by everyone at this point, so why stop now, I don’t think those are two films that have made anything about life controversial, its good films that make life more relateable, so that much you have to think past, not just in what is made or produced, or seems like or is a genuine example of someone demonstrating characteristics of someone who is well liked, its not a uniform you can put on, and then suddenly like a makeover fit in everywhere you go, that’s not what finding yourself is about, its about being comfortable around people and about people being comfortable with you, you will not match with most if youre not animated, outgoing, flirtatious, and loving toward everyone, I think my moment has past being a free spirit, you can chase feelings all day and feel emotionally empty without love in your life, or you can invest your heart into something that is tangible that you can work through on your own best timing, like a blog, that’s having to show something for your days on earth, oh what has she been doing, lets see what shes thinking, of course it’s the best EX example of recovering post breakup and also allowing those who don’t talk to you to be able to check on you, in real life once theyre gone from your life, you don’t know who they know, what theyre thinking, how theyre doing, what theyre up to, you don’t even get texts or feel compelled to text them, that’s dating, love, and matrimony, you either know them for all of your life, or you get to spend an intimate 3-4 years together attached at the hip, and you either can handle all the heat, or you forgo the opportunity to settle down, which will not occur for you workwise, you need something attached to your hip, for them to know your heart is focused on working, not on finding love, when that’s wishy washy, that’s what makes people wishy washy toward you, do you have a heart that is broken that needs to be tendered, is there something on the inside of you that needs to be said, which is like therapy which is unwanted surgery to my heart that causes me to shout a bunch of things and lock myself in a closet, it’s a weird experience being alone and not dating, its not something that makes you stronger or more confident, it actually puts a glass shield around you, like a human ozone layer, that irks anyone around you, like Im feeling good how come youre not feeling good, or youre feeling good now Im not feeling good, and that’s how easily you get put out in life, its being the firefly in the room that everyone knows, and being locked in a glass jar, barely hear everyone, and they expect you to be the same enthusiastic person you were, flying around on the outside free. That’s punishment, okay everythings okay I can do this, to everythings not okay Im not gonna make it I cant do this. So if there is one thing I have learned blogging, its everything you say affects everything you think or feel, and if its not coming from you, if youre alone, its something youre telling yourself, and you should not need to confirm opinions of you and actually think up any conversations, if you cant be yourself, then don’t worry about what anyone else is thinking, as a writer they can just read and either dismiss you, accept you, or reject you, on the basis of how far along you are and whether you recognize that “the dream” has already come true. Of course. I guess that’s what golf on campus was about, to each light pole. Im super delayed in team spirit, Im sure its about everyone feeling good, everyone around, or nothing happening, and that’s something that you would recognize about your own town, if you lived anywhere long enough to witness that many changes in a short period of time, stuff to be grateful for.

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