Ive been working on finding a IOP in-patient treatment facility, the ER is full, Ive been twice, Ive tried to continue on in spite of everything bad occurring, since November in physical illness, loss of motivation, not walking everyday, I managed to light up once on video, its not a condition I can talk myself through means that I need to be treated to return to a normal physical and mental condition, which is more resilient to breakups, bullying, photos, or anything else out of my control, thats not what blogging is for, to allow myself or anyone to get sick and give up in life, thats a very difficult job, to just know how Im hurting, or without feedback and someone actually talking to me, be able to discern who needs help or why, or what is causing anyone to give up, I think I would make a better advocate, or be a better example of someone who overcame bipolar, if I dont allow myself to be so sensitive, or talk about my past too much, maybe through AA that is helpful for others to size you up and figure out what happened to you in life, for me, it seems to be a situation for others to process reasons for letting you go, or not accepting you into their lives, and if I dont feel good, I cant work, I cant date, I cant be social, so if its not awards season, it will be for any reasons I get sick, which means I need to be treated. -Hopefully you dont get hurt if anyone gets smart upon observing you in life, dont learn the hard way, what causes you to not look well, or misunderstand the value of your own body, and reputation, not the solution. Get help, dont be hurtful.

Blogging is only helpful so long as you stay well, if I get sick, then thats something I need to handle on my own in a confidential space, I think once my professionalism is affected emails, letters, that means I cannot be helped, so for all the times I was helped thank you, sorry I will be away from my blogs for 2 weeks, to 30 days, to 60 days, depending on how long it takes for me to get well, to be able to work again. Its very tiring, and youre held to a high standard. They care how you sound, and can tell if you dont feel well, thats people learning how to sense things, by studying your patterns, changes, behaviors, intellect, humor, or athleticism, if you are not viewed to have been ever done and end up worse off, then no one will empathize with you when you sound stupid, they will think that it was deserved or treat you like you called negative attentions to yourself, dumb. If you dont code, seem gone. And wakefulness, if upon awakening, you dont like yourself, thats being awake and no one around, and thats to teach you, that if no one likes you, what do you look like how do you react. Be smart, take meds. To not be at fault, is how it becomes your fault, not the problem of your past.

Thank you for your understanding at this time, Im sorry that this year has not been perfect, best to work on myself. Nothing can make things better if you get sick, so share less about the past at a time like this, no one will believe you have bipolar, everyone will think everything is code to mean something else, or if you lived life not being watched that you would have lived any other way, or deserve to be watched to see if you have any prejudice or judgments toward anyone looking at you, take personally, its them memorialized not you, why if you talk about life, dont get hurt by your own story, and for no one to say anything special about you, get hurt. If you seem like you dont care, thats how you get hurt, displaced in life. Dont get obsessed, if its not your fault.

Sincerely,

Leslie Fischman