Lifes Not Easy …

photo of women s hands

#laxcourthouse (Day 12)

Sometimes the very fact of being well spoken is what bothers others, that you are either okay, or seem unaffected, and when it seems that you see clear, that intimidates the understanding of someone, who maybe does not agree with where your head is at in life, or mistakes your wellness, for serving the purpose to fulfill goals that they do not agree with. However a person seems, is supposed to be met with compassion, and if you cannot have compassion for those who have been through a lot, then you will not have compassion for those who choose to help others during a time of need, this past year was not easy for anyone, including myself, and it was also not an opportunity to shine or then disappoint, or not say anything favorable to the best interests and for the good health of others, and that’s not by connection that you say the right things, that’s coming from you, are you someone who is easily affected by others and cares what people think such as myself, and for some strength is found in not caring what others think, I have not been benefited with that liberty in life, to explore my surroundings and limits, not without the permission of others, and that’s where some have me wrong, misreading my experimentation with words, are being a “drug addict,” or “not funny,” or “unnecessary,” so if we are to be led by judgments alone including negative judgments, then the same turn around should occur with or without my assistance, is the main point, whether or not I have submitted anything to FEMA ideascale, or whether or not I have tried to get help on my own medical care, it will always be something superficial, that then becomes the cause for viewing you in disagreement, whether it’s a hair cut, or hair color, a face shape, a weight gain, a weight loss, a tone, a pitch, an idea, an upbringing, a viewpoint, so don’t wait until there are disfavorable circumstances in your life, for you to speak up in a way, that they wanted you to acknowledge losses, treat you as though you have not suffered or benefited or done your best to prevent any loss of faith, or uprising of intimidation in a creative sense toward the production of film, television, or music, which represents us, and helps us to see better, or feel better, and maybe that’s not me, whether by voice, video or writing, and that I can accept, that life goes on without you, and that should not be learned by not including me or treat me like Im not including the people, if Im writing everyday, the heckling me by email, is not the solution for physical health and well being, and its also intolerable form of torture and ridicule to be faced by me, criticized for bad photos, taken when I was obsese and not in the mood, that’s not what companionship is about, you can either hold simple conversations about life and accept someone the way they are, or you can create argument, that’s not being in acceptance of someone, and that’s where the line Is drawn in terms of prevention, which is about allowing for a natural sequence of events to occur in the form of realizations, not being withdrawn or made to feel hurt or disappointed, that’s not how lessons are learned, so if its to make me seem like princess rejected, that’s not an appropriate form of treatment of me when I have not harmed anyone, I may not be your princess, your key influencer, I may not be idolized, respected, or viewed as intelligent, but that gives no one the right to make fun of me marching in West Hollywood, when I deserve the right to fix myself, not through masturbation, get a job, and not be used as someone left in waiting, whatever the causes are for making fun of me, if its to empower others to illustrate points in life, whether that favors me or disfavors me based on my life story, that’s at my own pace decided. So please stop reading and meditating and fighting with me, improving off of me, and then hurt me, maybe it will be easy for someone reading to change their shoes, to make things about them, then to treat me as someone “who does something to themselves,” and if that’s who you remember, then its not me that you feel represented by. China hasn’t won a single case in California, and they will not win a single case in California, and lifes not a race for information, disclosures, and blame, that’s not what Countries are for, hurting people and treating them like they are foreign, or a foreign influence, not in appreciation of who is here, and if that’s whats been decided or occurring, then its not my suffering that’s empathized with with expectation for why I was hospitalized, if I don’t feel well, 10x hospitalized, I never self harmed and was hospitalized until 2019, and that’s not because things are not working out for me, its maybe because things are not working out for other people, so if you have it in your head to blame me, please understand that things are done to me to communicate to others that I am gone or guilty, and that’s why people detach, ignore you, and reject you, its to create a personality disorder, where you feel confused, or mentally ill small on the inside, so you don’t make sense, and that’s what cause physical disability, that’s why people are not nice to people who have mental health issues, and maybe that’s something someone doesn’t understand if it took me 9 years to recover and graduate from law school and stay home, maybe no one understands, why Im not fun, or not social, or don’t go back to places where Im not welcome, and that’s not my fault, and maybe that piece of information fits perfectly with your system of blame and trashing me, but its not my fault, by my understanding, what it is about me, that another is not okay with or intimidates. -What does it mean to accept discomfort? For example right now Ive been suicidal and physically ill, and not in control with how someone else is trying to make me look, so that’s not my fault, if someone is loving toward me and demanding of me, then that’s doing my best to make sure that he stops attacking me and maybe that didnt work because he wants me to bring up the “PLZ” tagged on the 405 bridge, I don’t meditate and communicate with criminals, the whole point of being well, is so that those things don’t stick to my mind for interpretation, so if the ongoing joke is about who is princess and who is not, then try to change my face and sexuality to prove some point of jealousy, I would not rather be anyone other than myself to be honest, and its in strength that others want to get to know you, not in competition, and women learn this later in life, that the best way to be loved is to be okay with people, to not be threatened by others, and to not be insulted by others, and that’s how love is kept, so out of respect for complaint, is why I stopped talking to someone, I don’t need a promoter, I don’t need a Facebook page, I don’t need anyone to communicate on my behalf, if Im in recovery, when I choose to stand tall and be strong, that will be on my own merits, not prompted by anyone hurting me, that’s not an appropriate use of a human being to attack until upset, or to distance and ignore until total isolation and hysterically crying, so if you don’t know whats being done to you, maybe its that you’ve changed, and if its your story no one wants to hear, maybe they do not empathize with fired, gun violence, or failing to perform in law school, so while that was not my guilt then, that also does not defend the fact that I have promoted for support for Brady, and built a website in support of the issues, without allowing for the safety needs of Brady to erode, which is not to be based on social issues, social movements, cancel culture, or job losses, your words will always stick to you, and that’s the point of hurting someone, to cause them to feel unguarded, or made to speak from within, that’s why people scare you, disable you, put you on meds, and reject you, its to convince you that there is something wrong with you, or to treat you like you do things without knowing what you are doing as wrong, and that’s being abused as a good worker, thought to be high energy or working, and maybe people don’t work as hard as me, that’s called heart, when you put effort into something, and it turns out well, so maybe that doesn’t apply to my relationships in life, which seems to be about their loss, what about my mental health and need to be alone, I cannot chase, I cannot buffer, I cannot butter up, and I cannot love, if all my eggs are not in one basket, and if all my interests in making things go right is not being met, and that’s an arguably safe form of distance not to affect others with my problems, when it becomes someones right to have access to you on a personal level. Just be thankful for your time with someone, so if that’s the mistreatment of me in favor of one another, then that’s hurting my heart to see how strong I am or attached, then hurt me like I speak or perform in a way, that’s is disfavorable to the best interests of society as a whole and the entertainment industry, whos celebrity and A list status is not to be affected by me someone who is not famous, does not make money, and an uncredited writer. That’s what people think they have the right to admit to reading your work, and not having to struggle to write, there way back to a normal life, and maybe most people don’t have to prove themselves worthy of a job, friendship, or romance, maybe people aren’t as hard on others as they are on me for some reason. I don’t destroy lives, I made a life for myself, regardless of what teams I am on, and the complexity of not being connected in the negative to treat me as responsible by whats in my computer or email for those who are no longer here, who are not to be affected by my mental health issues, so whats a winning team? A winning team is a group of professionals who do not partake in the banter over who is stronger than who, or based on what people look like, so the insensitivity is not me towards others, its others toward me treating me as stupid, and that’s how bullying happens, its to make you small, then what are you left with in defense of others, if you waste all your time and energy attacking me for defense, and that’s how positivity is lost, and blame occurs. On Twitter I explained, “to learn to accept the discomfort and accept the fact that there are no losing teams in life and the lesson being although others have no limit with you to not expect anyone to give you the answers either or allow anyone to treat you as defective.” [1] So nothing is being done in a subtle way, when you learn something about me that you become not okay with, or mistake for wit or miscommunication, that is the cause for treating me as stupid or small minded, and that’s how it works, with speaking, names, identity, sides, teams, punishment, or what its thought to be about, whether its not friends past college, society is too quick to judge nice for sexuality, or sweet for stupid, and maybe that’s something no one will understand about you, until you experience memory loss, self-harm, or mental illness, or be taken off medication, and the purpose for pushing me over the edge is to test whether there is guilt, a condition that burries me, that I cant change or speak to, or whether I am capable of speaking and not allowing myself to be buried, or made disabled to someone elses negative judgement of me, and that’s what cannot be changed, that doesn’t cause death, what causes death is the fighting, and the disrespect, the individual mental health issues, and the mentions taken personally, which is why public figures only communicate when things are well, which is why if I get sick, I stay away from everyone, I don’t communicate on an individual level, that means upon sickness, that someone will attack me as guilty, and that’s how relationships work, if you fall ill you get ignored then expected to be loving upon being well, and it occurs over and over again, until you get tired and leave, and maybe that just means that someone doesn’t feel like a winner by me, doesn’t feel strong by me, doesn’t feel smart by me, or doesn’t need me, and that’s why Im online, so that people can read at will, so its not about mental health mental illness, so how does this have to do with everyone, that it takes one person to care and to say stop and to do well, for everyone to be freed up time to think, not feel enclosed, not feel pressured, not feel bad, and that’s how wellness starts occurring again, its unfortunate to be respected online, but in real life for there to be something about me, that someone does not recognize as intelligent, and you will not know what makes you smart until you cant think clear and wonder who youre around and where your answers are coming from in life. Whats the insensitivity about, its about whether someone has something valid to say, whether they have been through a  valid experience, that was validity complex and difficult, and whether or not that person with a valid disability, or valid challenge in life, is treated like there is not valid complexity or cause for disillusionment, that is occurring upon being known or not known, or treated as not known or known based upon sex, which is not a shelter to people blaming me, or harassing me, that will occur based upon strength and innocence just like anyone else, based upon how they communicate what they look like, how they appear in private, how they appear in public, what they are like in their room, in their phone, in their computer, and that’s how you get judged and stay out of jail, based upon your records, viewable, recordable, to determine fault, upon mental illness, and that’s how trust is built, not through negative judgement of others, and that’s how God protects those who work hard, who keep accurate records who don’t fight, to determine whats causing stupid, which will usually be fighting over credits Ive not received, or to cause embarrassment to remove credit, to treat as ordinary, so if its not my fight, that also does not entitle anyone to make it about them see me as less than. 



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