blogging

Letting People Into Your Heart …

person wearing gold patent leather snow boots

Not everyone is going to be happy with you in life, that takes time, a moment of pride, is when you can sit back, and be proud of those who are doing well, and if youre lucky be apart of that wellness, although my condition has changed, that doesn’t mean that I am any more or less proud of others, I think there is always a time to step away from what you are doing in life, and try to make things right before they get worse. Never in my life did I ever think that something that is not a problem for me, would be considered a problem for someone else to accept about me, whether that’s by issue, supporting suicidology.org or Brady, and maybe that’s the very reason or basis for feeling attacked in life, as though Ive not had experiences in life, that have caused me to be open arms to those types of interests in preventing in life, not causing. Its become clear to me that when Im not doing well that presents a risk to my health if made to feel sick or suicidal, which then presents a risk to others to care about someone who is not doing well in life, and had I not been doing well would not have blogged. Maybe I was a sociologist in college, but that doesn’t mean that Im an attorney now, and not because I have gone to law school and maybe the reasons for studying law are not clear to someone who sees things in terms of definitions, terms, and laws, its easy for them to navigate around the issues changing me or what things look like, in order to portray a different set of issues for others to see, and that’s being manipulated, whether by bullying or taunting, and that’s not a joke, when someone does not value your life, and thinks that because they have a better life than you, put their issues on you, to see how you feel less than, or not able to get a job, tired, or beaten up in life, and if its not about race or education or connection and association, then maybe that’s not something clear to me, what there is about me not to like, and its not until you start pointing things out that people start pointing things out about you, and maybe for them that’s empowering, to not be affected and to see someone struggle as affected, and that’s a scary feeling in a good way to someone who sees someone lose their cool, or lose composure, or feel sick, and sound like they are fighting, or serious, and that actually creates the opposite affect in the wrongdoer, who with expectation is seeing someone not sound like themselves, sound disgruntled, not at ease, with a headache, and not presentable, and that took 15 days, to go from can barely stand suicidal, to quiet and composed, and that’s sitting outside of #laxcourthouse. Some people don’t have limits, everything is about them, and this you later come to understand the more time you invest in your future, people being short with you, not wanting to invest time in replying to you or helping you through any instability, and this is what doctors are for, people will be nice to you, but they cannot solve your problems, and that’s a sad fact about life, the worse off you are the fewer people are around to help you, and that’s how life works. So get to know yourself, start improving, don’t be hard on yourself, its okay if you feel sick, its okay if you feel abused, misused, or made fun of, all of that wont matter later on in life not if you don’t allow that stuff to ruin your life, and although everyone might not know you or might not understand you, you also don’t need to make your hurt the hurt of everyone, which is the troubling place I am in right now, if my head is hurt, then in what way can I say things to not also make others feel hurt, like any result is inevitable or blame me as though by condition or name, I don’t represent what it means to be American, or woman, or a girl, educated, not refined, polite, caring, loving, and not judgmental. So think whats it to someone trying to prove that you are not who you sound like and appear as, if I didn’t deserve it I wouldn’t look this way, and if I didn’t study hard, I wouldn’t sound this well, and that’s a matter of determination, not intellect, no one can readily think their way easily through a problem, everyone feels hurt and thinks slow when presented with a problem, nothing comes easy to anyone who is made to feel hurt, we all go through this trying to understand one another, or worse yet be disappointed by one another, and for things to not make sense which is not what I want to happen to anyone. So try to be less accusatory, worry less about others, focus on what is going well for you, and don’t allow the troubles of others including my own to hit too close to home, that’s not inheriting the pain of anyone, and at the root of anyones troubles should not be people, let alone circumstances, what works best is when everyone is proud of eachother. I have a homeless neighborhood down the street from me with flags posted, do you think I make that about me, being named after an American Girl doll, of course not, did my face improve, yeah I bought expensive makeup, does that mean that my face is connected to CVS because of where I bought my face cream, maybe I havent figured out that much about life yet, do I care if the inventory boxing goods is Mexican, probably not. And so it seems that the more judgmental you are, and the less thankful you are the more you feel hurt, if you stop for a second to think about how important the wellness of one another is, then you will appreciate when all those good feelings do happen, it means that its because there are well people thinking of you, or well people around you, or well people from your life, or well people new to your life, or well people you have yet to meet, most of mental health issues, are thinking that things are worse than they are, or thinking that someone is controlling you or changing you, and what I learned at #laxcourthouse, that so long as I am in control of myself then I get my face back, I don’t get voices, and I get love, a soldier saw me, and there were fireworks on the side of the freeway in #compton. That was a tough lesson to learn, besides weight loss and weight gain, which is not always obvious about how you feel about yourself, I think we are raised to think that someone overweight does not care about themselves or doesn’t feel good, you know maybe there are things in life that we are not made to feel good by, so lets just start to be thankful for what we do have LIVES, and start thinking about what we want to do with our lives: (1) life live (2) be giving people (3) be around people (4) be able to talk to people (5) have people in our lives (6) talk to people from our lives (7) and continue to build a life for ourselves that we are (a) proud of (b) want to talk to others about and (c) are able to help others with our lives and based on how we have lived our lives be able to (d) benefit others with our life. 

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