Personal Update …

young woman lying on grass in fall garden

For the time being I am discontinuing Instagram, I have done my best to be positive, I think too many negative voices, means to share less online, and work on myself, work toward being able to be social and be in loving relationships, and not get caught up in displays which maybe are not taken seriously, or not agreed with, there seems to be controversy in what you look like or how you appear, I am never acting, I am always being myself, and like anyone given the day, the times, and based on my physical and mental health, able to work or not work sick, and rest and recuperate, speaking in public is not a delusioned state of importance, the only important about what I am saying is complaint or mistreatment of me not speaking from a genuine perspective based upon how I am feeling and what I went through with mental health issue. All I know is that when you get bullied you get judged for how you respond or talk about life, and its not about who hurt you who is the least affected by your problems as they already see themselves as above you removed from you, or not influenced by you, that’s someone who thinks that youre mentally ill, you cannot get along with, benefit or help and to confront an issue that someone has with me causes me physical and mental illness, why it has taken me several months, to no avail and nothing has and can be done to prevent someone from hurting me, there is nothing that I have done personally to anyone to deserve such a treatment of me online, I don’t drink or do drugs and do my best to take as prescribed and have positive interactions with people, most of what occurs when performing you have to try hard for it either comes to you or does not, and that’s how you know you need to rest, its not a motor coordination memorized state of being performing in front of others, you are either able or you are made to be disabled, with no thinking, no thoughts and no writing, in bed sedentary which is what treatment for schizophrenia is like, whatever that treats its chemical imabalance in your brain not your thoughts, please do not confuse a chemical imbalance with people human beings thinking and thoughts, we all have to make it through this world talking and interacting working, and being careful decision makers, and get along with people, and not everyone you will make happy, and this is how performances get improperly graded as though you are supposed to have experience being well in a naked way for others, and then be made fun of for what you look like naked or when in front of others in a recorded space, not everyone is nice to look at and not everyone has experience being looked at and can handle the physical and chemical changes that occur in your brain and to your face upon being looked at some people live conservative lives and I was one of them before being made to show my face and entertain others online, and as far as Im concerned you are able to be yourself and feel strong and well about what you are doing with your life, until someone tells you that you are sick or look sick, or theres something wrong with you, until what you look like meets that negative viewpoint of you, and that’s not what being popular online is for being an ideal or being the best at anything, its about furthering acceptance of others and not creating discomfort, there is no one else online who has written as much as I have dedicated to the causes that I support who has been as successful as I have for garnering support and knowing how to be consistent and stay well, to help others to adjust and appropriately respond to whats not going well without anyone else being affected me included, so self-harm creates delay its not my unhappiness I am proud of myself I have worked hard and when Im ready can work again that doesn’t mean that others will be happy for me, proud of me, or impressed by me, everyone has their own expectations in life of what they find beautiful helpful, or beneficial. To me its my blog that is keeping me alive, its how I have been able to communicate how complicated it is my emotions and experiences and wanting to do better, not affect others, and improve. Just like anyone else watched in private, no one who wants to be on my team in life who is not attracted to me will want to communicate with me or want to know me, or want me to get better or perform better thinking that they are in me or apart of my life be thought of that’s how the world works in your life, if they don’t like, then they remove themselves and then watch you struggle and then claim there is something wrong with you, with you to be remembered in there life or a problem to you, until you suffer, get sick, until no one cares about you, and that’s how people suffer in this country and me included and that’s not an overdramatization of possession of body human body mind soul and communication ability, that’s hurting me so that I am not allowed to stay in my head and my body and try to project a person in me who you allow and accept while reject me from my body and not accept me mentally, because you don’t think I deserve to be me based on who is attracted to me or who needs me, looks at me like Im not the defective creature that you are trying to portray me as and that’s not how you treat a human being take a life, or ruin a life, to have a life, then treat me as not having a life that benefits or fixes a life. So what have I been up to, Im working on moving forward, there has been much pleading and reporting to get help stopping a person from hurting me, and that pain and physical injury and mental illness resulting voices and bullying is not realized as being the cause its not by how Im living my life that’s the problem its by who doesn’t want me in their life who is the problem then don’t watch me don’t look at my blog and don’t accuse me of being in your life if you are not in my life and hurt my life because you don’t like how I stay alive and how I live my life, writing. 

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