Most of the time we can live our lives absent minded what others are thinking, I think we become the most paranoid when we are not stable or waiting on others to affirm whether we are on the right track and that may or may not occur in the form of support via love, or recognition of what you are going through hopeful for your improvement. Strength in numbers really suffers whenever the topics relevant become more sensitive whether by name of a group, title, or stigma associated to a word, some words can hurt, so to show care maybe on second thought hashtags and hashtag #advocacy and names of people I admire is not sufficient to really detail the feeling of “come on lets not allow what is not said, or what is felt to consume our whole standard of viewing the present and the future for that matter.” You go where your thoughts lead you in life, this is why they describe people as being like who they are surrounded by why in your younger years it is strongly encouraged to stay separate from people you are not better by or become worse by, and then there is drugs and alcohol, for some of us, no one feels good not by anything or anyone, and that’s not a feeling that can be corrected by people. Im new to therapy so Im adjusting to being clear about what specifically I am thinking that is causing me trouble. Sometimes we get too busy talking about things that don’t matter as much in that one hour, focusing on how we want to improve and where we want to be, rather than get into the honest specifics, I feel this when this happens, I am paranoid about people thinking this when this happens, and I am worried that if this is what I lok like that people think I look like this because this is wrong with me, there are so many ways to worry what others think, and I promise you that no one thinks poorly of you until you have disappointed them, or until they feel offended by you “not cool” by them, a tell tale sign that you are in your head about things not in recognition of how far everyone has come in life, to build themselves up back to normal, that’s adulthood, you are either with it and noticed, and not until something happens to you, a change, that forces you to take it easy, do you feel left out, and Im sure that more mental health conditions feel that way, not one is mor special than the other, from what I hear, I think all mental health diagnosis are difficult. Its hard being told you are something that you are not, or don’t think you are in terms of the stigma associated with mental health issues, and you will not know when you become a dependent until you are hospitalized and need to be taken care of, it’s a miserable experience to be locked up in a hospital, you don’t remember it mostly, it’s a lot of alone time, its not a social experience, everyone is quiet and to themselves, and you don’t feel good sleep all day, and put on mediations day and night, the first time you go, its only for two weeks, and like most painful truths, once you accept that you have a problem with “schizophrenia” or “bipolar” then you learn to take the meds daily and in the evenings and even take time of day meds, so whats so hard about that. If you cannot function off the day meds, it’s a much different lifestyle, you are slow to everything, you cant get things done, its hard to find a job, there will be something about you that is delayed, and Im not sure what you become so scared of the world, or why others become tough, I guess it is a fight in the end, battling to get back to normal and taking yourself seriously, so that’s a good lesson in time, that sometimes you will not know how you got somewhere, until you end up there, and no one can really explain to you what went wrong in your life specifically to lead up to those points in life, but you will always wonder and be shy about sharing about it, its only now, with mental health so present of interest, that I share, usually its on iPhone notes the dates of hospitalizations, and share notes from the hospital. Different reasons bring people to a point of mental instability and sometimes its not triggered by anyone or anything, its just there is something wrong with you, that someone else cannot help you with, and the worse it gets, the further away from living life you get. I wouldn’t say that Ive missed out in life, only that I never made it to job and getting to go out to dinners or go clubbing, or go bar hopping, I didn’t have the time, and when I went out with friends, it was only a few times a year, that is how I bave always been, but everyone loves dressing up and going out, its not really about the attentions, its more about getting to be an adult, and have money and spend it, which if you don’t, doesn’t really happen for you in life. 

Ive noticed a common theme in mental health patients popularly discussed in the news, famous celebrities, those that are still here, discuss rebellion, or dual diagnosis addiction, there is really no excuse for a mental health issue persisting if you get help, that usually stops a condition from getting worse or persisting to the extent that no one can help you and you become difficult to talk about. As someone who has been independent its not normal for me to be exposed to the standards of communication these days as a public figure, there is a different expectation of you, that if there is an issue that someone you know is faced with, can you make things better, if not, are you capable of making things worse. Things can only get worse if represented by another public figure, if there is no respect for someone or it is believed that they don’t deserve to be well or are not well on their own, of their own making. 

To me a lot of mental health issues come from gun violence, its affects and the aftermath, and how people treat eachother, and you as a public figure how distant others become. I always wonder about what the benchmark for deciding whether someone is on board or not, factored in and Im sure its about “confronting” an issue and thinking you are “being made fun of” “or an inspiration for a character is about you” or your lack of importance, I think being cultured means that you recognize who is representing an idea consistent with what is liked in characters that we adore and admire, the “American Sweetheart.” Someone most women aspire to be, seen as hardworking and there for others, it seems innate in most women to go out of their way to be there for others, and then you grow up, and if youre lucky suffer no demanding breakups, that allow you to open up again, and achieve commitments with people that really inspire you, to stay on track no matter where this road leads you, knowing that you are doing good and feeling good, happy with where you are, living for the moment, that’s not stressed about what people think yet, which occurs if there is something known about you, that makes you uncomfortable for others to know about you, kind of puts you against a wall in life, sudden reflection of yourself, and then not feeling good inside, which can convince you to not feel good about yourself. So these themes of what people think, how you appear, what is said, what Ive shared,. I don’t think relates to mass shootings, because no matter what people think or thought me improving and going to law school was not to show something in the face of another for correction or affirmation of a job well done, or for too late criticism, not the point intended. High School Student Council is there for me, that’s all that matters!

Success for me will occur in the form of a book, lucikily the magazine I was writing for, just completed my 6 month internship, has invited me to blog as needed when I can! Which is awesome to get to go back, I have so much to larn about publishing and writing to a broader audience besides just stuff about me on the blog that I am coming to understand or figure out for myself, as redundant or time consuming it seems to hear from me without a punch line or objective, I don’t normally say anything that doesn’t matter to get to a lesson, that’s not my style of writing, to enlighten, its mostly to get clear on what is going on that is not in words, and sometimes I ma figuring things out for the first time in writing, this is beginning to sound intimate and explorative which is reminiscent of building an excitement for a person me, which is not who matters right now its you as the reader, finding inspiration to not be affected by anyone who is not doing well (me) in writing today, or is faced with challenges mentally when it comes to what the expectation or disappointment is when everyone knows you. 

I have never pretended that everyone knows or doesn’t know me, and there are no dress rehearsals in life, I have been apart of all the growth and excitement blogging on social media, I always believed in social media, but it is taking a beating by others using it as privilege to harm others and the fact that it went undetected seems to cause consistent concerns with people in general wanting to know everything about you, no one is that predictable or unpredictable that anything they say, is something that immediately triggers or controls a human being, we are not remote control operated, therefore this may be why the sexy elements, intimacy, and sensitivity to nurturing a soul is not popular in writing these days, and I don’t consider myself one of them. 

The expectation for inspiration is about the time you have and the freedoms you have to explore your mental gifts in life of perception we all have them, if you get insulted this can make you not do things in life like not write or not run, that’s not the stop to any movement of things that are working for others, it was just a system that was working for me, and I don’t consider getting a job or a death in the family a new system to which I did not perform or overcome the hurdle of putting myself out there, and being selected ready to work, its not war its about how much in your head are able to sort out before you are able to store new things in your head like a job or work, your memory stores can be affected when you are being trained to fixate on problems and figure out what you did wrong, I think this process of compartmentalizing sends us backwards in a way, that send you off looking for people to explain things to you, and anything that leads you to people from the past or present, is a tell tale sign, that there could be something wrong with you you don’t recognize or they believe to be true about you, and its for you to recognize what you are being told and why. For what reason is it believed that you harbor resentments, that likewise sends people off in the wrong direction about you, the more affected and the more you wonder why affected the less people can help you in life, its not that anyone allowed you to feel that way, but it will be because of what is heard about you, thought that you are not living a good life, and because of the life that you are living, that you should be punished, that’s society thinking there is something wrong with you, and if you believe it, that can be incredibly isolating, and lead to fighting, that’s the eventual being punished without being told what is wrong with you, suspected. That’s if you are shiny faced, or have energy, to have not been hit with something hard makes you appear to be getting away with something or a feeling that is heavy upon looking at you, blamed for.