Although I have been active in the community attending events such as concerts and Laker Games, Ive not been myself lately, and while that may have something to do with outside stress Im being faced with, Im sure that it will pass. I think you have to have a positive outlook in life, if you want to get through things, the tough battles, the unwanted feelings, the emotions, the depression, they crying, the rejection, the difficulties, not all days will be well, but there is always a way to think about things to keep you on track toward your goals in life. Ive found recently in conversation with pen pals, that Ive not been my usual positive self, usually I am doing a lot of things with my life, whether that’s setting fitness goals and working out, or through blogging, come up with a new pattern for my Instagram, keeping track of stats. Im sure sure what it is but have not been my usual motivated self. There can be many reasons for that, I think it has something to do with what I think people think of me, which is not usually something Im concerned with or bothered about, I have plenty of fans through blogging and a pretty consistent readership of non-judgmental voices. Moving forward in life requires a lot of guts, while you may be faced with things from your past that you are not so proud of, such as suicide attempts, self-harm, and hospital stays, you know that’s really no ones business what you are like under pressure or ridicule, that’s not for everyone to know, that one fight that this one person had with you and what they had to say to you, not everyone will respect you. I don’t think that’s the point of sharing your story, you know if youre special to someone then that’s a special experience, if they don’t see you as special, then someone who does not respect you will not see that experience as special nor see you as special, and that’s photography. I was 130lbs and now Im 190lbs, and I don’t think at any point in time during my weight gain or loss, was I ever unmotivated because of what I looked like, not to mention face standards this days, it seems like if your face isn’t neat, that you are not made to be proud of yourself for what you look like. What is healthy? I think healthy exudes confidence, its someone who when looking at you thinks positive things about, they have a future, they have potential, there is life to them, you know that’s the person Im sure that we all aspire to be one day, at ease, but with mental health issues, youre not always someone who is easy to look at, let along be connected to, and that’s the issue with messenger. You have to like someone to want them in your life, and as a person who others are connected to you have to be a healthy person. As a blogger I think I have done so well in part because I do cardio everyday, that’s how I stay fit, I don’t want to scare anyone who is interested in blogging, but it’s a lot of internal work, you have to be stable, you have to not be paranoid, you have to seek help in the event that you feel like youre being phished or hacked, there are a lot of invasive things that happen to you as a blogger, and you don’t have to live with all the mistakes that you made along the way, whether that’s talking to strangers or trusting the wrong people with your photos, you learn later, that that’s how you get hurt, that’s how you get exposed, and that’s how you get threatened in life, when someone has something of value of yours that they show everyone, and as a result you become devalued, well that’s them exerting their power and control over you and your life, and that’s what doesn’t feel good. I just started a new job and I am taking a week off, just experienced self-harm, when you’ve had enough that’s how it can feel, like hitting your head, and while I don’t want to talk about it, and that’s not how anyone should respond to stress, that’s how I was made to feel. Its important that I move forward, I have never intended to harm anyone who I have shared photos with, I am nice to everyone that I include in my life, whether that’s a friendship they want, a business relationships, or a romantic relationship. I have not discriminated anyone, I am willing to talk to anyone, so to be treated like Im high up, or think Im high up, its not because of the people that you talk to that others regard you in the positive, its because of how you make people feel that you are regarded in the positive, so please keep that in mind if you are thinking about hurting me, that’s not the solution to hurt me to feel better to get people to not like me, that’s not how to feel good, by affecting me in the negative, watching me, and hurting me for a reaction, or for a failure. No life is easy, not even mine, I just went shopping beginning November 2019, that’s because my photos were not nice to look at, the nude photos that were taken are trashy looking at 130 lbs, and now at 190 lbs I have to try harder if I want to work and to get a boyfriend and make friends. You cant look like you have problems, and its important not to look like youre something that youre not, anyone who doesn’t care about themselves and others, and that’s no one that Ive ever been. Ive always been understanding of others, I give others space, Im not demanding, Im not needy, I work independently, Im driven, Im motivated, Im sincere, and Im supportive. So Im not sure who Im going to date this year and probably shouldn’t have shared who I am talking to, no one at the moment. When I share a text or a reply, that means that I am doing well, and because I am doing well men are being nice to me and replying to me, that’s a huge step for a self-harmer, once suicidal, to be able to be loved again or spoken to, just like anyone hurting me, is made to feel scared if I get suicidal because of phishing (stealing photos and publishing them), I also am not one on my end, to be purposefully sick or connect to others through blogging if Im not feeling well, how dare anyone accuse me of not being well, Im on medication, I take as prescribed and I do cardio everyday, that’s not okay to aggravate me, for reaction and cause me suicide (or self-harm), that’s not my purpose for being online to get sick, and that’s not how you treat someone who is popular and who many people like and adore, and enjoy reading my blog. #stopsuicide