abuse, beingpositive, body image

Personal Update …

Right now Im trying to get stable to go back to work on Monday, starting a new job, my first paid job at a law firm part-time with full-time potential, Ive been looking for years they are very hard jobs to get an qualify for pay, hopefully Im not too late, in terms of all the meds I am on at this point in life, and a worse diagnosis schizophrenia, which is more physical than it is mental, and you get voices more frequently than with bipolar, and in terms of blogging the better you get the crazier the assumptions are in terms of your stability, I guess that’s factored in how I have responded in the past in a worse condition messy looking or not achieved and proper, that took many years to be proud of myself and feel good. It also takes many conversations with anyone of importance to have nothing to say eventually, rarely does it turn into a loving situation that only occurs when you are feeling good, for each man I have liked I arrive not well or broken, and either improve and they stick around, or stay alone, that’s how things have been for me throughout my 20s and thirties, really nothing to do with competition its more about the medications I am on and how I am or am not able to function and work tired, restrained, sleepy. I have no idea why I would hit my head in a video what that communicates, its through writing that I have improved and so has the clarity of my communications and topics and thoughts covered, less about me, and more able to help others, occurs when you are doing well in life and not explaining yourself or for others about what things look like to people you don’t know like you own anyone anything, you don’t in life, your peace matters too. Im not feeling well because I responded to an ex pen pal from 2020, to kindly respond to his nice and mean emails and try to talk some sense into him, he says he has taken a website down but when I look its still up so Im too physically exhausted right now to handle the shock and the mind games of being told things to make me feel bad inside, or give up in life at this point, I don’t deserve to suffer or be prosecuted in public like I have done anything wrong, if there is a problem you can always take it to court and file a lawsuit this is why I don’t talk to anyone, because should anyone think something of me wrong, that is something that I can get blamed for in life, like Im in someones life, when Im not, or when Im not well be treated like Im blaming them or responsible for explaining to them that Im fragile, have mental health issues, and not stable, no one wants to hear from you when youre not stable assumes that its drugs or alcohol, for me in life, its when others are cold or hard on me or don’t respond to me, so that’s something I eventually got over in life and don’t worry about so much not bothered by at all. To me staying well is to have a life again and get to be in peoples lives, until then being alone is best, and when I have time like now trying to be social. I am drained because I have been getting a lot of voices recently and Im not sure to what guilts being perceived Im supposed to respond to, you can always call 911 or the police if you have a concern but please don’t listen to a website bad mouthing me like he has any evidence of me being mentally ill toward people or causing people problems in life or at risk of harm or put others, that’s not true, and making me sick doesn’t seem to bother or matter anyways, not of issue, so Im not sure what he is trying to prove about me, and Im no longer going to be obese and slow in bed all day and let him win like I have done wrong or anything is my fault, its not Ive always been productive and helpful Ive never been in leadership and I have always done my own work in life, success is not shared and its not required that I share my health and fix someone who is making me sick for them to feel well should I not feel well to feel strong or right or empowered by controlling my health.

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