To Whom this May Concern:

As a woman you learn the hard way that when people become upset with you it is considered your fault, the reasons for later whether you identify the issue or not, will always be your presence and demeanor changed. You cant explain a change in character upon entering law school it’s a focus that you earn upon doing things well, and easily lost upon taking chances in life, you cant maintain a previous lifestyle social, if you intent to succeed, and those can be the basis from which trust and privilege is lost, are you making the most of where you are in life, or are you falling through the cracks not making good decisions for yourself. Despite a traumatic breakup 2010, what could not be reconciled became my job to focus on something, that I could make happen for me, sometimes love you will not know the changes, until you leave, and that’s how you learn to stay, in the event that things get worse.

My first battle with addiction was 2006, upon drinking and trying drugs, the biggest disappointment of my life, and my first experience of losing privileges, and a credit card. You learn fast that what some people get away with, as a daughter to two important people, is considered unacceptable, I was always one not worried about, so to worry was a huge disappointment, to anyone who never worried about me, someone people found reassurance in and texted me a lot, I never had to reach out to people, because people checked on me. After experiencing rehab and addiction, going from Deans List to near academic probation, from not completing any classes one semester, was my first experience in ability and succeeding and things being well feeling well, to inability, disability, and delusion. This is something friends cant help you with, so that was my first experience losing the privilege to be social upon getting sick, and mental illness, not performing in life, my first lesson in drug use.

I have maintained sobriety the majority of my life, punished for smoking weed in high school and labeled in  yearbook “voted most shady” a reverse impression of the girl sober who’s house people went to to hang out on the weekend after soccer game, I said if we win, you can come over, those were the terms. We were 22-0-1 that season, almost one the CIF championship ring. So this is an example of feeling hurt but in a good way, you change, get into your studies. I got into CU Boulder rolling admission, and UMASS Amherst, and picked the wrong school.

This brings me to 2020, following a bad experience with a pen pal (stranger) I met online, an older man, who was enthusiastic to talk to me, who I was open about sharing the stage of life I was in practicing vlogging and sharing my mind, which then bcame X rated, per his request, Im not sure how ill feelings started, but it occurred on the basis of him blocking me and not being impressed by me losing interest, following many phases on meds not putting my life together on COVID or Tweeting which I stopped, and being robbed on messenger which I reported to FBI and they were caught, that was in a phase where I got fake jobs, and people treated me as stupid and not only did I look stupid, but I was also embarrassed. Sometimes when you are pushed to do things youre not ready for, things don’t go right for you, but you cant always choose when things are well enough to take chances in life and apply, if you have no experience with getting jobs, its very taxing to be rejected and you can wind up feeling hurt by the process.

This is how blogging has helped me as a writer, it has allowed me to participate, in spite of finding difficulty getting jobs and maintaining a job, and yes it is intended to keep me out of trouble and to improve the conscious of others, being positive, I don’t think anyone expects to be hurt or changed as a writer, to discuss dangerous subjects or be considered not real, I don’t think you need to prove yourself in that way, while putting connections in jeopardy, this is your first lesson on why its important to look good, otherwise not to be online, if it doesn’t improve your life, and help put to rest things people wanted to know but wouldn’t ask, in case of question. I think Im open enough that I don’t need to disclose things that would make people treat me unfairly or feel bad for me, I think Im strong enough to recover not be disabled on meds. I wanted to work, it was tough for me to be sedentary on meds, in bed all day, and I will never know why, but its probably from going out, running at night, or bad breakups, that you cant fix about yourself, no being tough, and that’s why some people stay home, if they get sick.

Being valued is important to me as a person, not letting things get worse is also apart of my character traits, never afraid to help even if I don’t know how, show up. I know that wherever I go in life its to help others, I know that my life has been well enough that I can manage a lot wrong and still recover, and would never wish for the same for anyone, without support or someone to talk to, or any writing to help ease worry or delusion, why I write, because most of the time I was sick, I didn’t know why, so writing was a good way to see whats in my head, whats in my life, and really think about whats wrong about me, or not to like, or upsetting. Or how I have failed and why and at which moments did I ever become sick and give up. You go to law school to be a smarter person, and you can help so long as you don’t need help is the lesson.

Being defamed online by a website trashing me and bullying me was my first experience of being hurt and for it to be chaotic and hectic and feel sick, and not be suicidal, and my first experience trying to get help from the police or advisement from 911, and following directions and for things to get worse, and called FBI, so I was informed that I cannot be helped and that if someone is mad at me “its my fault” based on the pictures he asked for and showed, so now getting down to what hurts, looking bad, and bad pictures why? Because I took so many nice pictures and was known for making cool selfies, that a worse version of me was shown, and Ive never really lived that down, then a set of terms degrading me as a person and my sexuality, and while that may be not a big deal to others, or assumed deserved like I said something obnoxious, why I was being roasted and shamed online as a nobody, the most important lesson is that upon things becoming hectic for you or unmanageable, the less you complain about online, and do your best to write to not allow for bullying, apologize to those affected and do your best to move on in life, either accepting your new character shown, as you, or get sick like that’s not you. So it took me awhile to again embrace modeling, and overcome if people don’t like you, what are faces and behaviors and octaves and looks that they don’t like, took me awhile to figure out. My face shape changes, and inaccurate in photos, and because of the meds, I don’t know why.

There is one previous lawsuit, of loving someone I admired as a professional and who I texted ideas to, and supported and shared about, who sued me, in 2015, applying for a Shorty Award, this is while not dating, in law school getting straight As, with one job in Tech, lost. If you have mental health issues its good to stay sober, otherwise people think you are a drug addict living a fast life, or a lesser life, with poor connections or friends, and writing in your phone a book, or running at night, makes you seem disconnected and going places in life you don’t belong, or not aware of your surroundings, so that’s why living a life in the day time is preferred, not sleep. At that time was the first time in my life I was skinny, things didn’t work out, because I did not handle being served with a lawsuit well, and for some reason hit my head, by the time I saw my ex in Yorba Linda, when I got home, the police were at my house the next day, a hole in my wall was made, it was only a dent from hearing voices, hit my head, I had not directions or no previous experience with voices to know how to cope or would expect for voices, living or speaking in a way that was loud or popular or bothersome, I was a positive writer, like a job.

Its hard to live a life with no friends, no attorney, have one experiencing networking and running a campaign with flyers and attending meetings, volunteer work are good ways to work in between jobs when you have the time to get to know the political system, it’s a lot of work, and for me it was networking to help an organization who everyone wanted to work with even Moms Demand, sitting in a meeting, but didn’t say oh I know them, I tried to pitch an idea once.

Right now its my mental health, not what should I be credited for that other people have done, its about why do things work out for me, and what is wrong with me upsetting, I think disclosing self harm, has been hard to overcome, and have been tested on numerous occasions, losing respect, or relationships not working out, being mentally ill or sick, not knowing what to say to people from my old life, meeting me in my new life, whats hard about my life, so they are not shocked by anything that was done to me or happened to me, many bad things can happen to you when you explore life or drive on the freeway, or go out, and that’s my luck why it was never a good idea to go out, or to drink anyways, and got a misdemeanor, it’s the end of your career the end of your reputation, the biggest disappointment, and the end of your ability to get a job in law.

If I could not help or work I wouldn’t apply, and maybe I was too open about myself, and singing, and sharing photos, and letting people decide when Im ready and consistent, and maybe that wasn’t good enough to be selected and to know that Im stable or don’t have any secret side of me that gives up or self harm, with voices, they cannot be stopped, it’s a permanent condition in life of bullying, that you cant fix, and the only way I know to fix it, is to have a life not disappoint, not get in trouble, not be seen as bad or stupid, and adjust with schizophrenia now.

Sincerely,

Leslie Fischman